The Truth is…I am NOT Iron Man, BUT I am Dave Barry’s Illegitimate Daughter

I am not making this up…but due to the recent advances in brain scans and doo-doo MRI’s, I have recently discovered that I am actually Dave Barry’s daughter. Now this has been quite confusing for my poor mother who swears that she, in fact, was pregnant with me for nine long and sometimes painful months. However, the medical tests don’t lie and we can find no DNA evidence to support the belief that I am physically related to her or the man I have called Dad these many years.

There is one possible answer to this extremely surprising discovery and that is that I was actually created out of the skin scrapings taken from Dave when he was aboard that alien ship. Now I know this is possible because it is part of a plot in Frank Herbert’s Dune series. More specifically, I am speaking of Chapterhouse Dune where the Mother Superior Darwi Odrade creates a ghola of her own father (who had been the Bashar of the Bene Gesserit forces) using cells she secretly obtained from fingernail scrapings. But I digress too far into Dunedom.

Now that I know the truth about my parentage (or gholage) some things are starting to make a lot of sense. For example, I (and I am sure the people who raised me) always wondered why I thought exploding toilets and flaming Barbie Dolls were funny and now I (and they) know.

I also realize that I was drawn to join the Army not only because I wanted to fire a bazooka, but also because of the extreme number of acronyms they use. My idea of a perfect conversation goes something like this:

Me: You are SOL because the SCOFF(Supreme Commander of Family Finances, me) knows about your SNAFU with those $100 sunglasses that were supposed to protect your eyes from BOB.

Daughter: Huh, what??

Me: Drop and give me ten, soldier!!

If you want to know what those acronyms stand for other than the one I gave you, you will have to do your own searching on the web. However, I will be happy to provide you with one link and that is to the:

US Army Records Management and Declassification Agency’s Authorized Abbreviations, Brevity Codes, and Acronyms (ABCA) web site (I am not making this up.  Click the picture to see for yourself!)

U.S. Army Mumbo Jumbo

(Please note that I have attempted to use the font Britannic Bold above to fully emphasize the awfulness esomeness of this website title.)

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, how many movies lately are based on comics. I mean, what is going on? Did all the scriptwriters go on strike so the execs are sitting in a dark boardroom chomping on cigars trying to figure out what to do and one says, “I’ve got it! Let’s go back to comic books. No one reads them except geeks like Dave Barry so people will think it’s brand new material.” And all the rest of the execs nod and grunt like Tim Taylor from Tool Time.

Well, my editor has just informed me that not only am I out of space, but that this post has absolutely nothing to with the search for a sustainable life. Obviously, she’s not that bright as both Dave Barry and Iron Man have a lot to do with a sustainable life. Dave creates humor, which sustains us. I also suspect that, like my hubby, he creates alternative fuels. And, Iron Man, well he demonstrates a potential new alternative to the torture we now call flying.  You will note that Iron Man will never lose his baggage.  They may simply be blown up.

Till next time when we will learn more about Dave, how I was created from skin scrapings, aliens, Dune, and sustainability.