I had intended to have a lovely post up first thing this morning about peace, nature, sanctuary, and my small adventure. Apparently, it was not meant to be. Instead, today, I am struggling to maintain a sustainable life and my progress towards a more Zen attitude. Perhaps, dear reader, you are wondering what is causing this struggle. The answer would be a variety of things from the small to the not-so-small.
1. Dawdling (small) – I will accept some of the responsibility. I should have written this post as soon as I got home. Instead, I dawdled putting things in order, finishing a book (People of the Earth) I was reading, and reorienting myself to my so-called real life.
2. The State (larger) – Yesterday I found out that I will missing about a third of my monthly paycheck due to a screw up with benefits, which I did not receive nor use. This was compounded by the fact that the month before I received a letter from another entity of the state informing me that they had overpaid me in August and would I now please pay them back. I go could on about my issues with The State, but this is a blog and not a novel, plus I could just see them suing me or some other silly thing.
3. Split Personality (mid-size) – I did try to go ahead and write the post I had planned. I started it last night. I wrote a few paragraphs and looked at possible photos to use. I even pulled out my ginormous dictionary. Well, only part of me was trying to write that post. Another part was sitting there drinking a diet Coke and wishing for something stronger while fuming about the State’s various screw ups and screw overs (I told you I have quite a few issues with it/them.) While Nature me was trying to write about the tranquility of the woods, Pissed-Off, The-Pen-Is-Mightier-Than-The-Sword me was busy scratching out what Nature me wrote and plotting to write a scathing post that would bring the State to its knees. Meanwhile, Peacekeeper me was attempting to mediate some sort of Buddhist settlement between the two. Needless to say, it was a crowded writing session, especially since I think there were a few other me’s involved as well. Finally, Cranky-Without-Sleep me stormed in, threw the pen across the room, and told everyone to shut up and go to bed.
4. Microsoft Word (smaller) – This morning Nature me was ready to try again, this time with the help of Buddha me. However, when Microsoft Word (damn you, Microsoft) kept crashing Pissed-Off (she dropped the Pen part) me decided to go look at the money situation…
5. Money (huge) – Is it really the root of all evil? I don’t know, but I do know that worry about money is the bane of my existence. It is also something I have a very difficult time talking or writing about. It is a strain just to get these words typed out. Debt, layoffs, unexpected events (like major roof repairs, car problems), and divorce take their toll. Add to that the fact that I have always been a money worrier and you get mondo amounts of stress…
And now, I am out of time. But don’t worry, I’ll finish this crazy story in Struggling Towards Sustainability – Part II where I will write more about money (or try to), the value of expressing negative emotions, and more. Hey, at least I’ve already got the title, right?
Ah, life intervenes just when we think we have the balance right! I’m sorry to hear about the State screwing up with pay and benefits, and sorrier still that that raised the money issues we all struggle with. And then Microsoft Word fails you. You’d think they could write code that didn’t foul up. But no. (I use a Mac, and Pages just to get away from that.) But you wrote, and that allows we readers to sympathize and empathize, and you to work through some parts of what you need to do. So rant away, and recognize that balance is not a static situation. Each shift we make creates a new equilibrium, which gives us a new chance to find the balance we want.
Susan, maybe you should get a second job as a Zen teacher
Or maybe that’s why I have bumped into you and the other Sustainable Lifers at this point in my life. To learn and share.
I did feel much better after I posted yesterday and was even able to come up with a few potential solutions to deal with the unexpected cut to my paycheck.
And today, well, today is a new day.
Enjoyed the post-helps to know I’m not the only one with issues : ) and I have always been a money worrier too.
tipper, thanks so much for stopping by and for sharing that you are a money worrier too. Like you said, it helps to know you’re not alone.